The Patch Notes of Despair

Last version, the Dark Lord was a generic shadow wraith. Today? He’s an accountant named Keith. His attacks are: Passive-Aggressive Email , Unskippable Meeting , and You Forgot to Clock Out . I tried my “Lunar Heartbreak” beam. He deducted it from my paycheck.

First, the good news: They fixed the typo in my transformation cry. It’s now “Starlight… Shower ,” not “Starlight… Shovel.” That was an embarrassing three days.

I’m a beta tester. And the bug is my existence.

A talking cat named Mr. Snugs. In most games, he’d be my mentor. Here, he follows me around and loudly critiques my running form. “Your pigtails are asymmetrical today, Luna. The Dark Kingdom will devour you.” I can’t hit him. I’ve tried.

Now, the misfortunes.

My name is Luna, and I am the star of Magical Girl Luna’s Misfortunes – a game that the creator, nama, explicitly designed to humiliate me. Version 1.09 just dropped, and I felt the update shiver through my soul like a cold virus.

They said being a Magical Girl was about hope. About sparkling wands and the power of friendship.